"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Steve Martin

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Dean Martin

"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!" Stephen Wright

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." W.C. Fields

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein

"The future ain't what it used to be." Yogi Berra

"I invented the internet." Al Gore

"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends." Benjamin Franklin

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle

"Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally." Abraham Lincoln

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof." Rodney Dangerfield

"Black holes are where God divided by zero." Stephen Wright

"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." W.C. Fields

"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars." Steve Martin

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last." Winston Churchill

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." Stephen Wright

"Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times." Mark Twain

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen

"Solutions are not the answer." Richard Nixon

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." Alan Minter

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose." Unknown

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Mark Twain

"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." Yogi Berra

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." Stephen Wright

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." Britney Spears

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second." Stephen Wright

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